The affidavit of a horse mum. By Christie Green

By Christie Green

The affidavit of a horse mum.

I want to write this blog, or do I? Well actually I do, and this amusing little blog will be all about the things us ‘Horse Mums’ have to endure. Oh where do I start…

1)Firstly I own horses, I am not a crazy horse person. I own horses because I have a daughter that loves her equine friends, and she is mad keen on showjumping. I use to ride a million years ago and I provide great entertainment to those around me every time I do climb on a horse. I usually don’t have adequate footwear, yes heels on a horse for cool down and no stirrups because that will provide great entertainment to all around me, thanks Amara… Or shall we go on a forest ride mum, I’ll crank those stirrup leathers so short you have to naturally drop your heals (but have no seat what so ever to hold on for dear life as we climb down 45 degree sand drops). ‘you’ll be fine mum, there’s sooooo much of Daisy it’s impossible for you to fall off her’.

2). Rain – why does it always rain when you don’t want it to. The events you book are meant to be in summer, your days of standing in freezing cold southerlies are over. Your daughter has transitioned from ponies that need work all year round, or should I say she’s improved and no longer needs to ride every season of the year. And it still rains! What is that all about as I stand soaking through at Equifest, in the middle of November.

3). Horse shopping – OMG this literally gives me nightmares. Booking flights, booking rentals, getting to the airport on time and parking where I’m meant to, driving from one end of the country to the other looking for the most magical unicorn. Why can’t I just go on Ebay and select colour, height, personality, bred, capability and be done! No, we have to drive from one end of the country to the other to find the magic unicorn which turned out to be waiting only 2 hours away. Oh the irony!

4). Hay – This stuff is evil. Whoever wants to invent special hay these are the requirements; doesn’t get down your bra, in your hair, give you a runny nose, and watery eyes. Please, be my guest! I’m going to be your biggest fan!

5). Lessons – Now as much as I love my daughter, lessons are always stressful. Cracking the preverbal whip to get said child motivated, out the door, clothed, all gear together, catch the horses. ‘where are the halters and ropes?’ locate them first to be able to catch the horses. Put on travel boots, make sure they have rugs, check the tow bar, make sure the hand break is off (because that’s an expensive mistake that’s already been made!). Make sure I have a rain coat, because god forbid it bloody always rains at a lesson! Turn the car on to find there’s no fuel in it. Thanks dear husband! $#@? !% .Oh well, that’s a 35 minute lesson for the $ its ok, showing up is better than not showing at all. Unless god forbid the horse float has a flat tyre as well. Back to the drawing board! ‘Quick Amara take the horses off, I’ll grab the old float, the one with no lights, no warrant, no rego’. It’s only 10 minutes away…Grrrrrrrr. The absolute madness.

6). Child talks to mother; ‘Mum have you entered me in this?’, ‘why did you enter me in that?’, ‘no that horse can’t jump in that class it’s on the wrong surface’, ‘When is the farrier coming? they have shoes that need replacing. I know I’ll be at school but you don’t mind getting them in, dealing with the mud, picking their hooves, and standing for the farrier for 2 hours, right? You have nothing else to do with your day’.

7). And talking about the farrier, as much as I love our farrier – those shoes are seriously more expensive than what I buy for myself, And I really like shoes. Every 6 weeks those horses get the equivalent of a pair of Nike Air Jordans each! OMG I could own a pair of Louboutin’s, Prada or Jimmy Choo in less than 4 months!

8). Then there is the actual sport, we are at the show. I’ve finally unpacked, cleaned the poo out of the float, washed the float out, set up camp, just to eat dinner and go to bed. Yes, no socialising and parties, as I’m up at 6am mucking out yards while the horses hand graze with Amara and then she feeds them breakfast and puts studs in. Ahhhh, the joys of horse sports, checking when classes are, cleaning tack and getting a horse ready for a class as Mars walks her course and then has to walk miles to get back to where we are parked as our yards are literally miles away from the arena. It’s not always like this I must admit, just the bigger shows. By day two you are exhausted, the horses are exhausted and all you want to do is sleep for the rest of the show, but tomorrow is another day. 2 more days to go. Then the joys of packing everything back up again and the long drive home. We do get to sit down, but it’s long day before that happens.

9). Then there is the husband, the primary source of horse money lol. Husband says ‘so wifey how much are the horses costing at the moment?’ (Tragic question for him to ask). My reply: ‘Oh my dear not as expensive as the wrong boyfriend lol’. My poor husband, when we went horse shopping Amara negotiated how she was going to pay for her young horse. She was to sell both ponies and pay her father back. Which she did, although one pony is still in the paddock. Then we went shopping for a more experienced horse… Well, all I can say is I’m glad my dear husband had an open mind, because the original price I quoted him pretty much doubled. That and he had hurt himself and was on some pretty good pain relief so we think it clouded his judgement a little when he agreed. Although I didn’t manage to get a yes to the horse truck. Oh well, that’s still on the list. So this is lifestyle a horse mum lives.

Those Louboutin’s are just a distant memory…

The affidavit of a horse mum.

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